Monday, December 20, 2010

The Obsession with being Productive a pursuit of Peace

I realized something today as I was TRYING to sit calm and quiet to finish my Quiet Time. I CRAVE being productive. Lately I have been struggling..not exactly sure if I can pinpoint it exactly but I cannot relax in my own home unless every last possible object is in its exact spot. Except every day I struggle in vain to complete my outrageous goal in vain because it has never happened once. No matter how hard I push myself to do laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, sewing, scrubbing blah blah the list is endless...I cannot complete my goal. Yes, my expectations are hard for myself but I sometimes feel I must remain productive or I will go mental but the pressure of perfection is blowing my brain out. I think I enjoy crossing items off my to-do list too much. I just want to chill and relax in my own home. I do not have a place of my own, and the place I share I just want to be clean, nice, relaxing and to smell good. No stickiness! is this too much to ask for ? Santa I want a spotless house for Christmas :)
But as I push myself to the brink of exhaustion every day..I realize that I must find peace in the Saviour! I also crave this, why is sooo hard for me to sit still and chill out. I realize I cannot help others effectively if I have depleted all the essentials from my own life. Writing on my blog has helped me to sit still, gather my thoughts, control my emotions, chill out and make some sense of this life I'm living. It's helping me tap into myself. It reminds me..Tabitha, you are not JUST Novie and Eden's Mommy, you are Tabitha and when I remind myself of this it helps me be a better mommy..does that make sense :) I am more than a mommy and when I remember that I am a better mother.
I'm tired of being tired. I feel sometimes that if I am not over-extended, involved in everything, super-busy and under-rested I must be lazy. A friend said once, " Our society worships productivity" how true. I can hear the masses chanting, Never say "no" and do more, Never say "no" and do more.
My goal this Christmas to "chill" or better yet, to allow Peace to reign and rule in my life.
"Peace I leave with you; my peace I give to you. Not as the world gives but what I give..."

No comments: